Friday, October 27, 2006

someone or no-one


From a champagne-swilling continuo goddess to a dust-busting wife in twelve hours, this time I am having some difficulty coming back off the high; the drunkenness of imagining myself pure being serving the common good and realising that I am just another ego bumping around in a building site; of thinking that I was someone because of the very fact that I could disappear in to the music and become no-one to realising I am nothing but a body full of emotions and thoughts. Just another clumsy someone.

For a few days my state of openness was deliciously raw. We sat together paying bills, packing paintings and ordering Beatles albums off the net. Outside someone had poured maple syrup into the earth, and orchards and vine rows had become amber rivers and golden ponds. Our new toy grinned at us from the verge. Nothing could have been lovelier than these simple things. Then a door slammed. I heard a glass break. The lights went off inside. I curled up into a ball with a grey cat and was lost. Somewhere in that silent place I felt one urge - to wrap a phrase from the previous week in golden thread and offer it up: The wordless essence of me - of no-one - now clouded again by daily grind and conflict.

If this day were an aria, and I the continuo line, what would I do, I wondered? I would hold my note. I would listen and I would keep in mind where I was going. I would absorb the melancholy colours of the drama raging above me and I would not forget that spring would return like it always did.



Anonymous beth said...

Thinking of you, Ruth. Never doubt the gold inside yourself; you are not merely a clumsy someone but precious and singing, no matter where you are. And I have been in both places you describe, so I know! It will change again and get better; I hope you can hold onto the beautiful thoughts and truths you wrote, in the last paragraph especially.

5:48 PM  
Anonymous another Ruth said...

oh-oh...bumpy landings; funny how they don't get much easier to ride out.
Someone said that you'll always come off worst if you hold yourself responsible for everything that is wrong in the world.
So relax and allow yourself some transient time for adjustment.
How is the weather down there?

7:23 PM  
Blogger MB said...

Oh, you know the details always differ, but there is so much that is human in what you write. Those last few sentences, beautifully expressed, something to hold on to and wrap with some kind of love...

3:07 AM  
Anonymous Barbara said...

Oh Ruth
I know this place so well ...for me it comes from a small place in me that feels responsible ...holding your note sounds right to me, if you can ..bravo...

10:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lovely images - yet again.

4:16 AM  
Blogger Dale said...

Well -- another clumsy someone, sure, but not *just* that. Goddess too. All of the above, really.

Lovely writing. Say hello to Italy from me!

2:31 PM  
Blogger Bitterroot said...

Ruth, your writing is lyrical even in the midst of pain. I so appreciate your metaphorical use of music in all dimensions of your life. Warmest wishes to you...

4:26 PM  

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